Good evening, folks! (Actually I'm just assuming it's evening where you are as you read this - I really have no way of actually knowing WHAT time it is)... Welcome to our second edition of The OOB Archives - Multi Media!
I'll be posting random articles culled from this now long-defunct publication I did in the late 80s... just for, as my Out Of Bodies buddy Mark would say "shits and giggles!" Our second random stop - an article by another Out Of Bodies brother, Lloyd Goldfine (or Buzz Norton, the pseudonym he chose to use at the time of it's original publication back in October 1987) - titled...
My Brain Hurts!
by Lloyd Goldfine
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It all happened so fast that I'm not quite sure what transpired. But that's really the whole problem. That's why I need to write about it, to prove to myself that it really did occur and that I'm not mad.
My name?
My name is Manny Humblepie, and I live over Sapperstein's Deli, and I have four friends, and I'm allergic to cats and ragweed, and I never had a cavity until I was fourteen, and if you were to ask Larry Alcot (he's one of my friends that I was telling you about) he'd tell you...
LARRY ALCOT
"That fuckin' geek Manny is outta his freakin' skull! The guy is nutso! Strictly certifiable. You know what I'm sayin'?"
...that I'm perfectly sane, and also that I'm not even crazy, either. Larry's a good friend. That's why...
LARRY ALCOT
"Total wack job! Talkin' to his self and wearin' his pants so's you always gotta see the crack of his ass!!"
... I can't believe what happened. It's like, it's like it's all a blur,... although I clearly do remember Sally screaming...
SALLY BEST
"???"
...something just before her head came off. Did I say her HEAD came off? I think what I meant to say was that her HAT came off. It was her hat that had come off. Yes. I'm quite sure it was her hat. Not her head.
JAMIE ZED
"EEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAARRRGHHHHH!!!"
...Although that doesn't quite explain why Jamie started screaming.
Unless Jamie was SINGING. That's it. Jamie was singing when Sally's head came off.
Yes....
NO!! I mean Sally's HAT came off. Her hat came off while Jamie was signing. And as I recall, Ramon was dancing...
RAMON GOLDSTEIN
"EEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHH!!! I-I'm... I'm dying!!!"
..."Look at me" he said, "I'm dancing! I'm dancing!" Or something like that.
He danced so much, I remember, there was blood pulsing out of his eyes. His nose. He threw up his lungs, didn't he?
And I remember something about tools. Tools?... Yes. Ramon was dying while Jamie was singing, "If I Had A Hammer"...
JAMIE ZED
"GOD!!! HE'S GOT AN AXE!!!"
...I do believe it's all coming back to me now. Ramon, dancing up a storm, knocked Sally's head off while Jamie was singing that famous folk standard, "If I Had An Axe".
That's it.
I'm sure of it. Now I feel better. And the spasms have subsided as well. But wait! I left someone out.
Singing Jamie, hat-less Sally, dancing Ramon and someone else.
Oh yes. Larry.
Larry.
A name which has brought to my mind the reason I'm finding this all so hard to remember.
Sally's head... HACKED OFF before my very eyes!!!
I know why I'm having such a hard time thinking.
Jamie, screaming at the sights before him, and the sudden loss of his right hand!
The aluminum taste of blood in my throat. Burning my eyes. My own blood.
Ramon, thrashing around the floor in a growing red puddle!
It's the axe. He buried it into my head. He buried the hatchet!
Larry! His eyes are glazed,... he swings the axe wildly.
It was Larry. Or rather, it was Larry's need to punctuate his statements with that axe.
LARRY ALCOT
"I'm not going back there!"
SLASH!!
"I won't go back!!!"
CHOP!!
"I'M NOT THE ONE WHO'S CRAZY!!!"
CHOP!!!
(That was the axe violating my skull, embedding itself in my brain, and making things quite difficult for me, so very hard to recall..... coherently, I mean.)
The last thing I remember was Larry chasing after some Nuns. Or nurses. Or something like that.
I don't know why he reacted so,... so STRONGLY. We only wanted to help him.
He didn't have to take away Sally's hat. He didn't have to stop Jamie's song, or Ramon's dancing.
I thought he was our friend.
Fucking maniac.
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